On call, off-center

So here I sit, on call for another evening. I have such mixed feelings about being on call. When I submit my schedule for the next month, I feel generous and excited to say, "Sure, I'll be on call these 6 nights! I love that $40/hour work!" But then, when the on call night comes around, I'm stuck at home and annoyed. Not annoyed that I'm stuck at home--I don't have much else to do on weekends--but annoyed that I can't put it to the back of my mind and just relax!

I'm just on edge, waiting for the phone to ring. Once it rings and I put on my suit and head out, I'm somewhat more relaxed--it's just the waiting and not knowing. I suppose it's part of my personality in that I like knowing what to expect, and being on call defies all of that. I could get called 3 times or none; I could get called at 6 pm or 4 am. It could be someone who's died in a nursing home; it could be someone who's died at home. And the more I think about it, the more it drives me nuts!

So, anyway. I'm all in a tizzy because of that, and being in a tizzy makes me desire an adult beverage, which is totally off-limits when one is on call! Ack. I think I just need to learn to NOT be on call more than one night in a row, because the second night is what really drives me nuts. Either that, or I need to be a little more comfortable with uncertainty. I think that (ultimately), the latter is what I need to strive for, but lord knows that's been a goal for as long as I remember!

But I started this job at the funeral home with the very clear intent of getting out of my comfort zone, trying new things, and sometimes coming to terms with the fact that I have to do things I may not feel like doing! I don't always want to answer the phone at the funeral home or answer a family's tough question, but it's part of the job. I like to think that it's made me a little more confident and a little better equipped to handle unfamiliar territory.

That said, I'm going to dish up some ice cream (Rocky Road) and watch some mindless TV, then lay down in bed with a book and try to sleep! I'll have that drink tomorrow...